Words to Live By

Happily married. 41. Infertile/perimenopausal. TV and iPod addict. Transplanted Canadian living in California. {Warning - abundant sarcasm and frequent *gasp* profanity lie herein.}

Thursday, September 30, 2004


Its not a good day when you are awakened at 4:3o AM by a loud THUMP amitting from the bathroom, where your husband is. I opened the door to find him passed out cold on the floor. I was amazingly calm, although I do remember saying O MY GOD when I realized he was unconscious. At least he was breathing, and there was no blood. He had fallen straight backward from standing in front of the toilet and the fall was broken by the towels hanging on the racks. He was out very briefly and I got him sat up and then laid down, he was talking and saying he felt better in about a minute. That's when I thought I was gonna pass out -- this big wave of dizziness came over me and I too laid down on the floor. All that adrenaline coursing through my body!!

To make matters worse, once I got him back in the bed he had a panic attack shortly thereafter. At least he knew that's what it was and within 10 minutes his body temperature was regulating again. Poor guy. After talking to his doc at about 9:00 he seemed much better, hearing from someone other than me that this was normal, after fasting and then going through the trauma of the procedures and all the meds swimming around in his system. He seems pretty good now.

All day long I've been waiting for AF to show. Spotting has gone away, still getting the same gunk on the TP, but only if I go searching for it. Normal people don't do this, do they? I'm hopeful that since she is bound to arrive, that she will get here by the morning and I can do my baseline B/W and U/S tomorrow to start my injectibles cycle.

Until then -- la la la, I can't hear you! I'm not really about to embark on Phase Whatever of this winding road we call Life 2.0.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Scopy Festival

Devin's doing surprisingly well after his endoscopy/colonoscopy today. Last time he had a hard time fighting off the effects of the sedation (nausea, light-headedness, etc.), but other than being a little sleepy, he's OK.

I'm having a bit of a hard time today. First, waiting around for 2 hours while my husband is under general anesthesia and they put tubes into him wasn't my idea of a delightful morning. Even though I went shopping and had a gift certificate and so only paid $6 for a new pair of shoes, it still didn't make it a good morning. Since we've been home I've been sleeping on and off, as if I were the one who had the procedures.

I know this is about my cycle. Its finally becoming real. I've started my usual brown spotting and having CM with little flecks of whatever-that-stuff-is (my endometrium?) in it. That means AF should be here within the next 48 hours.

First problem, if she arrives on Friday, I have to figure out a way to get in to see my doc over the weekend, to start my Gonal-F. That can be difficult. I guess I could lie and tell them I started on Saturday and just go in on Monday. [See how I get all spazzed out about stuff that may or may not happen?]

Second problem, I'M STARTING INJECTIBLES. Holy shit. Guess I should back up a bit. Package was delivered on Saturday as promised by the seller, but it was delivered to the Hammers down the street. Why didn't we think to look at their house? They called Monday morning to say it was there, after I spent Sunday in a bad mood. I looked everything over and was shocked to see how tiny the ampule with the powdered FSH was. T - i - n - y. If I paid $900 for that, I would be really pissed.

I've put the box with the amp and all the syringes down in the basement to keep it cool. It also keeps it out of my sight.

You may notice I have absolutely, positively, not one shred of doubt that I will be starting a new cycle here in the next few days. Hope has left the building.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Just Another Day in Paradise

As I sit here, my Gonal-F multidose is on its way through the US mail from Minnesota (dontcha know?). I just can't get that accent from Fargo out of my head when I say "Minnesota". Anyway, its still not real cuz its not here yet and I'm not staring down at 15 syringes prefilled with sterile water. This whole process of buying what my brother calls "used" meds has been fascinating to me. Just shows how messed up the whole pharmaceutical and medical systems are when there's a thriving black market for non-recreational drugs. Less than a week to go before we find out if the Big Miracle happened on its own or we need to go down the next path, which ain't the Yellow Brick Road, folks. I can't decide how I'm feeling about this...if there's any karma in the world the very presence of those meds in my home will force implantation to take place. There's always that damn hope sitting next to regret on my shoulder, thinking we did this ourselves. Proud idiot that I am. On the other hand, if I give over my cycle to modern medicine I'm bound to produce better quality eggs than I could on my own and possibly lower the risks of a chromosomal disorder, should the little bugger decide to stick to the wall of my uterus.

Wow, notice how hostile I am towards that embryo? At this point I've read so many stories about angel babies -- how there's an infinite number of babies hovering over all of our heads, just waiting for that right time to Come On Down! to the Uterus is Right and everybody will live happily ever after. You can't fool me any more. I don't have any pie in the sky notions about how this works. Where's the love?

Monday, September 20, 2004

Monday Monday

Now I've got that stupid song in my head!! Anyway...this has seemed like a very long weekend, I'm sure it was because Devin was away. My world is turned upside-down when he isn't here, I can't sleep, my eating habits change, I'm a mess. Not really an emotional mess, although I do miss him terribly, I just mean I don't feel myself. Obviously, something is missing! Duh.

I'm getting really nervous about this deal I've made to buy leftover Gonal-F. She isn't returning my emails and I have about two weeks before I need them. That seems like a long time when you write it out, but its been three weeks since I told her I would buy them. I half-heartedly looked yesterday to see if I could line up another purchase as a back-up, but I haven't done anything about that yet. It still seems like something that's about to happen to somebody else, it can't be me that is needing injectible hormones to get pregnant!! No. That's not right.

I wonder sometimes if being the host of a very busy TTC bulletin board doesn't keep it in my face TOO much. I can't (or won't) just leave it alone for a whole day, I'm constantly checking the board to see if any of "my" girls has any news, or needs my support, or has a question. Flip side is, the community is really wonderful, and with the absence of any other kind of club in my life, I find it very fulfilling. Dammit, why does every freaking thing in my life have to be a double-edged sword???? Drama queen! See how I talk to myself from both sides? I'm insane.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Dance Fever

Last night watched "The Company" with Neve Campbell, but really starring the Joffrey Ballet of Chicago. It would have been better as a documentary since it was a movie masquerading as one anyways. I loved the dance sequences, for the most part they do my favorite kind of dance -- modern but using skilled classical dancers. But, just like gymnastics and drum corps, seeing dance always makes me a little sad.

I started out as a kid as a gymnast. I was the youngest child and the last chance for the family to produce a champion. My Dad was a coach so there was that added responsibility to live up to his expectations. I just wasn't good enough, so eventually I quit and started coaching. Then came drum corps. Same thing there...I just was never good enough to really go anwhere with it, and didn't have the money to travel to CA to march with one of the really good corps. So, eventually I gave it up (before I had to) and taught. Dance was the throughline between the two, and I loved it maybe most of all. I remember a couple of moments in performance where I felt truly alive and free and connected at the same time. Hard to explain. But, again, I wasn't good enough to really go anywhere with it.

I used to have the perfect dancer's body, but my flat stomach is now gone and my knees complain after a half hour on the elliptical. I know I could always go to a class or even join the Raiders company, which even gets to perform, but my heart's not in it, not with all the TTC crap going on (still). Once again, my timing sucks.

Of all the dreams I had as a kid, the only one I have left that I have a shot at making happen is writing. Maybe that's why I started this blog thing. I've spent the last few years devouring books at an alarming rate, so now its time to start putting words to paper. Janice (who has been a journalist for 25+ years) has always said I should write. I don't need a dancer's body to type.

Saturday, September 11, 2004


Even after all this time, 9/11 still seems unreal to me. I haven't been to NY or DC since then, so maybe that's it. I've never seen Ground Zero, not sure I want to. Yes, I remember what I was doing when I heard the news, I was on my way to the dentist (my least favorite place in the world). Then I watched the news while I had a root canal. Painful.

Today was my visit at the Family Homeless Shelter with Bailey. As always, it was a difficult morning. Its hard enough to see pregnant women in the store or on the street, but when you see them at a homeless shelter, and they already have a couple of kids, it just makes me mad. I wish I were able to shut off those feelings while I am there, but I can't fathom why you would bring another baby into a life where you can't take care of it. As far as shelters go, its not a bad place to be, but let's face it, they have all had a string of circumstances that led them to that place. I heard two women talking as they watched their children play with the dogs, one of them has a TRO on the father of one of the kids, the other father is in jail. There's just no fairness, who wins the baby lottery.

Thursday, September 09, 2004


Regret is a constant companion of mine. Its such a worthless thing to lug around, this ragged albatross, its heavy and dirty and smelly. Sometimes I think its me, but then I remember, no, its just your past, haunting you. So many things I wish I could change, and no way to do it. I've rectified as much as I could...relationships that needed ending or mending, guilt and shame that I didn't own cast aside, self-destructive behaviours soothed and subsided.

But there is always the Regret. Whoever said its the things you don't do that you regret, was a freaking genius. I started trying to conceive after a round of therapy, when I was feeling like I could conquer the world if I just wanted it enough. Ergo, it was gonna take 6 months, tops. It didn't matter that I was past that magic age of 35 when everything starts to fall apart. If I had just started sooner...I could apply that to so many things. This is what you get when you start your life over at 30. You find yourself at 40 still trying to figure out where you went wrong and where you go from here.

I want to be happy with my life. I want to be satisfied with my great marriage and my great job that only takes me to the office 2 or 3 days a week, and my great dogs and friends and cars and all the great things we have. Things. I don't want more things. I want a future. I want a legacy. I want a family.

I started working on both sides of our family tree about a year ago. Do you know what the software automatically generates as a footnote for a couple that are childless? It says, "No issue." Damn.

Power (and not the good kind)

I was going to post last night but our power went out at 6:30. So we went out to eat and by the time we got back at 10:30 it was back on. We've been through long power outages before, you just don't realize just how much stuff you have that you need power for until you don't have it. What big wussies we are!

Trudi's email came in yesterday, she's definitely having a M/C. I just feel so bad for her. There's really nothing I can say that will make her feel better, so I just let her know I was there for her and sent her some flowers. She said Rome was there for her the whole time, I'm hoping this tragedy forces him to grow up a little bit more. There are some good things about marrying a younger man, but I would trade a better body for more maturity anyday.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Hotter Than Hades

Being as I'm a northern gal, I don't do well in extreme heat. 98 in Santa Cruz is extreme. Not as bad in Bonny Doon, but we are all suffering. Specially my doggies. Poor things. One more day of this crap and then we start to cool down. Just 10 degrees, that's all we ask.

I'm sitting here waiting for Trudi's email about her U/S today. I am feeling bad that she is probably having a M/C, since I felt so bad about her being PG in the first place. What the hell is somebody whose marriage is in trouble doing having a second baby? Well, who the hell am I to even think that? Now I just feel like shit. Jealousy is not a good color on me.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Labor Day

Every time I heard somebody say Labor Day today I cringed. I just couldn't help but put that together with TTC. I am obsessed. I can't seem to get away from it anywhere. Yet I don't know how to stop, and don't want to. Even yet. After all this time. We are in cycle #30. WTF? I never imagined it would even get to double digits, never mind a good football score. I am just so lucky that Devin still wants to keep going. Without his participation, well...I don't need to finish that sentence.

We went to Rainbow today and ordered Pergo for the upstairs bedroom (whitewashed pine). I've picked out a luscious color for the walls called Lilac Love. I just can't help thinking about fixing up that room as a nursery. One of these days I am really going to get hurt. By myself. And all my hoping.

Agreeing to buy the meds from the chick in NJ hasn't really sank in yet. That that means we are doing an injectibles cycle. I have a habit of not really going into a scenario until its right on top of me, otherwise I obsess way too much. Like having to fly. If I think about it too much I can't even start packing. I actually feel better knowing that Devin will be giving me the shots and not the nurse. The HCG shot he gave me in the hip was the only one that didn't hurt like hell afterwards. Here's that damn hope again -- a part of me thinks we aren't going to need the Gonal-F because we are going to get PG on our own this month. HA! HA HA! It ain't gonna happen, lady, just face it. I don't know if its self-preservation, conceit, or what, and I really don't know how it can still be there after 30 fucking cycles, but I still think we can do this. I am nuts.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

New Plan of Attack

OK, so I am gonna try this again...I hope I changed it so this is now public.

I'm corresponding with a chick in NJ, feeling her out to see if she is on the level. I'm trying to buy 20 vials of Gonal-F from her. So far she seems cool, and the fact she is only going to charge me $15 per is a big plus in my book. Obviously this means the new plan of attack is injectibles. For so long I've felt like I was in limbo, I really needed to do something to jump start myself. One of these things is moving on with this whole crazy TTC business. I can't keep this up forever.

And, I also sent my resume out. This scares the crap out of me! Those old insecurities resurface every time I do it. I told Devin one reason I want to go back to work FT is then we can get a housekeeper again. I am so fricking tired of housework!!