Regret

Regret is a constant companion of mine. Its such a worthless thing to lug around, this ragged albatross, its heavy and dirty and smelly. Sometimes I think its me, but then I remember, no, its just your past, haunting you. So many things I wish I could change, and no way to do it. I've rectified as much as I could...relationships that needed ending or mending, guilt and shame that I didn't own cast aside, self-destructive behaviours soothed and subsided.

But there is always the Regret. Whoever said its the things you don't do that you regret, was a freaking genius. I started trying to conceive after a round of therapy, when I was feeling like I could conquer the world if I just wanted it enough. Ergo, it was gonna take 6 months, tops. It didn't matter that I was past that magic age of 35 when everything starts to fall apart. If I had just started sooner...I could apply that to so many things. This is what you get when you start your life over at 30. You find yourself at 40 still trying to figure out where you went wrong and where you go from here.

I want to be happy with my life. I want to be satisfied with my great marriage and my great job that only takes me to the office 2 or 3 days a week, and my great dogs and friends and cars and all the great things we have. Things. I don't want more things. I want a future. I want a legacy. I want a family.

I started working on both sides of our family tree about a year ago. Do you know what the software automatically generates as a footnote for a couple that are childless? It says, "No issue." Damn.