Words to Live By

Happily married. 41. Infertile/perimenopausal. TV and iPod addict. Transplanted Canadian living in California. {Warning - abundant sarcasm and frequent *gasp* profanity lie herein.}

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Just when I thoght it was over...

...2004 comes through with one last load of crap for me: Christmas in the hospital.

Christmas Eve started out pretty good. Breakfast at home, wrapped some presents and went to see the new Phantom of the Opera movie in the early evening. We ended up seeing a later show than planned and didn't have time to eat dinner before the show. After the movie we visited for a while with some friends and finally headed home about 9:00. On the way home we stopped for a late dinner.

At the restaurant I could tell my hubby was starting to feel bad, his color didn't look good and after our food arrived he pushed it away and said he wasn't hungry. He was on his way outside to get some air when he suddenly passed out. Unfortunately I wasn't quite close enough behind him to grab him and break his fall. He hit his mouth on the tile floor and bit all the way through his chin with his two front teeth, right under his lower lip. He was out for maybe 20 seconds, and when I got him turned over the blood was just pouring out of his mouth. The restaurant called 911 and the paramedics then an ambulance came, they stabilized him and took him to our local hospital. I sat in ER for a long, long time while they took x-rays, blood, EGK, cat scan, and put about 10 stitches in his chin. They had him on a backboard for about 3 hours until the x-rays were looked at and they "cleared his neck" of any injuries. He said that was the worst part. Finally at about 1:00 am they decided to admit him overnight for observation. His white blood cell count was really, really high, so that could have meant that he had an infection that we didn't know about, or it could have been a response to the trauma and blood loss. I finally got home at about 4:30 am and had a bowl of oatmeal and fed the dogs, then slept for a couple of hours.

They had him on monitors all night and took another blood panel in the morning, and everything looked OK. So the only thing they could tell us is he probably just got dehydrated and was tired and hungry. Panic might have started him feeling bad, but the rest of it contributed more to him blacking out. They released him from the hospital at 2:00 pm on Christmas Day. We hadn't wrapped any presents to each other, so we did that and then opened them and our stockings late in the afternoon, had a quiet dinner then our best friends came over for pie.

We slept in this morning and he says he is feeling fine, I guess there aren't many nerve endings in your chin so that isn't giving him too much trouble, although his teeth and jaw are sore. We had a lot of plans for yesterday that got cancelled, but I didn't care, I was just glad that in the end he was OK. You really realize how much you love someone when they are in pain and you can't do anything about it. We are both off the whole week so I am thankful for that.

Friday, December 24, 2004

Year In Review 2004

Yes, its another year round-up post. I'm not going to make this a long dialogue of specifics, that's not necessary. I can summarize the year in two words: SUCKED ASS. Mostly. Intermittently there were moments of non-crappiness, but let's take a look, shall we?

January: Clomid/IUI cycle -- failed

February: Clomid/IUI cycle -- failed, followed by a laparoscopy chaser

March: rest cycle

April: Clomid/IUI cycle -- failed, and one my dogs had to have surgery

May: hubby was in Reno on a business trip for half the month

June: 3 day girl's road trip with a friend to visit Hearst Castle, then later in the month, a trip to Arizona for the funeral of hubby's step-mother, turned 40, natural cycle -- failed

July: our wedding anniversary on the 2nd, first test of FSH level at 18.6, natural cycle -- failed

August: second test of FSH level at 11.9, Clomid/natural cycle -- failed

September: managed to get one day of jet skiing in, hubby had minor surgery, natural cycle -- failed

October: first injectibles cycle -- cancelled due to poor response

November: on BCPs to get rid of cysts from injectibles, saw the Waifs with Tiffanni

December: second injectibles/IUI cycle -- failed

That's a whole lot of failing in one year, ladies and gentlemen. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to view it as a personal failure, but let's face it, my body failed to do what I wanted it to do. With high FSH, poor response to meds and 40 staring back at me in the mirror, I'm more than discouraged. I'm almost resigned. But we've already paid for one more month's worth of injections, so once our bank account and my psyche has recovered a bit, we'll take one more swing at it. Happy Fucking New Year.

Friday, December 17, 2004

One Week Down...

...and one to go. Every night when I mark in my little bedside calendar the cycle day and DPO, I think -- for the love of God, that's it?? I'm still only in single digits past my last IUI? Geez, give me a break here with the stopping of the time-space continuum.

You'd think with the horrific work stress I've had the past two weeks that the time would have flown by, but alas, its made abso-fucking-lutely no difference at all. Other than making me unbelievably tired and stressed out. Network stuff is NOT my forte, but for some reason I was put in charge of a computer upgrade that required a lot of network knowledge. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, and it was. Correction: is. A project that was supposed to take 2 days and be a slam-dunk is still going on, two weeks later. I found out that messing with computers is a lot like ART: you take one step forward and two steps back. You finish one thing only to find that what you just did caused something else not to work, so you have to put everything back where it was before and start over, this time trying the same thing a different way.

The only good thing that's come out of this is extra hours, which means, extra money, since I am a contractor and bill by the hour. Unfortunately, I get paid net 30 days from invoice, so I won't see any of this extra money until in time to have a merry Christmas on company expense. Its always something.

Oh, and one more thing. My doctor's office called this afternoon to inform me that my blood panel from my physical two weeks ago was back and my cholesterol is 211. This is not a good number, ladies and gentlemen. Anything over 200 is considered a risk, and I have a family history of heart disease and a minor heart murmur, which I've had since infancy. I don't even know where to start here. I exercise regularly, eat a healthy diet and have a 22 BMI, thank you very much. If this means I can't eat ice cream any more, I am going to very, very, very upset.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Poked & Prodded

I am finally done. Here are the stats: IUI #1 - 18 million post-wash and 94% motility; IUI #2 - 25 million post-wash and 92% motility. Both were quick and easy, maybe that means my cervix was more open which means the timing was better than in previous times when he had to break out the heavy equipment to get the catheter through? This morning I also had my yearly physical. If I had known they were going to do an EKG and a bunch of other stuff, I would have re-scheduled. As it was I got back home from Dr. T's and promptly fell asleep on the couch. For several hours. It hasn't helped that my sinuses decided it was time for an all-out snot fest. My abdomen is feeling quite tight and full, like I just finished Thanksgiving dinner. This is new. Anything new is good, I suppose.

I have to get back to the couch now.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

La Cage aux Follies

OK, that was clever, ya gotta admit!! I am such a whiz at these post titles. I crack myself up.

U/S this morning showed that Clomid and Gonal-F have been playing together nicely, and my ovaries have been paying attention. Left side (always the over-achiever) had 3 mature at 18.5, 17.5 and 17.5 mm. Two of them were literally on top of each other and my doc almost missed it. Does that mean there is an increased chance of fraternal twins? Right side (the side with the twisted tube) had 2 smaller ones at 13 and 12.5 mm. Lining was 10 mm. Its all good.

Went back this afternoon to get my HcG shot (I cannot give myself a shot, can't even look at the needle going in when hubby does them), I got my E2 results as well. It was a whopping 1,122!! Its supposed to be at least 200 for each mature follie, so do the math and you tell me -- that's good, no?

Back-to-back IUIs tomorrow and Friday. Work has been hell this week, stressful and exhausting, throw a nice catheter through my cervix and that'll put the cherry on the sundae for the week. I'm not complaining, mind you. I am so exhausted I can't even get happy about this news. I am relieved more than anything else. And the band plays on...

Friday, December 03, 2004

Holiday Spirit

Or should I say, holiday spiritS. Plural. I had a couple of glasses of wine at Thanksgiving (with Miss T), which was quite lovely. Made me realize what a sacrifice giving up alcohol for the past two and a half years has been. In TWO AND A HALF YEARS I can count the number of glasses of liquid containing alcohol I've had on one hand. OK, maybe both hands. But that's it. Now with the holidays upon us, there are so many tantalizing liquids in rich colors that are inviting to my taste buds. And my brain cells. Let's face it, folks, my life hasn't been much of a party lately. Lately, used in that sentence, is really just a shortened form of almost three fucking years. Of dealing with infertility. I used to say I was seeing a "fertility" doctor. Lately (there she is again) that's changed to "INfertility" doctor. Subtle, but devastating.

I can tell that I'm becoming more acclimated with the idea of never conceiving, because I am able to handle situations much better than I could before. Playing with a baby even, or going to the toy store, its all OK now. The only thing that still really makes me catch my breath in my throat and well up is seeing a pregnant woman. Unfortunately, there is a very young, lovely, tanned, and probably wealthy woman at my gym who has the most perfect body, plus a lovely 6-ish month bump in the front. I HATE HER. You thought it was sadness that was making me well up with tears. No, ladies and gentlemen, its anger.

Oh, I guess I should mention we are half-way through the stimulation phase of the current injectibles/IUI cycle, and nothing of note to report. Nada. No twinges, pangs or pains. My ovaries are probably saving up all that FSH in little jars and putting them on their mantles to catch the light from the fireplace.