Words to Live By

Happily married. 41. Infertile/perimenopausal. TV and iPod addict. Transplanted Canadian living in California. {Warning - abundant sarcasm and frequent *gasp* profanity lie herein.}

Monday, November 29, 2004

And Away We Go (Again)

Today was the long-awaited and much-worried-about ultrasound. I lied to my doc and told him it was CD3, when in fact its CD4, but there was no way in hell he was cancelling this cycle due to one day. The U/S looked good, so we are on course to try to get through a whole injectibles/IUI cycle this month. Clomid CD4 through CD9, Gonal-F shots CD6 through CD12, then another U/S and E2 bloodwork on CD13. Hopefully we'll be able to do the IUIs on the weekend of the 15th and 16th, which puts the end of the 2WW squarely on Christmas Day. Ugh! No pressure there. At least we won't be having to try to figure out how to fit in a festive IUI on Christmas Eve. Ho Ho Ho

With the protocol he's got me on we will only use up one of the 1200iu multi-dose kits we bought. Does this open up the possibility of another injectibles cycle after this one? Part of me wants to use the end of the year as a clean cutoff point if we aren't successful, but the other part says, what the hell lady, you already bought the junk, you might as well use it. I swear to God, sometimes I can actually see these little people sitting on each shoulder, arguing with each other. Is that a sign of psychosis?

Once again, my extrapolation abilities are limitless. Trying to live in the here and now has become very difficult for me. I used to spend all my time living in the past, now I'm spending all my time in the future. Its a wonder I can walk down stairs without falling.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Fathers and Daughters

One of the most heart-breaking things about my (unexplained) infertility is the fact that my husband has been denied the chance to be a father. I often question my own perceived abilities to be a good parent, but his are never, ever in doubt. Even before we got dogs. This is made even more gut-wrenching by his history...but that's for another post.

Which brings me to the fact that last night I had a comfortable, newsy conversation with my Dad. He lives about 2,000 miles away from me, and has limited resources to travel, so its mostly my forays "home" that give us the chance to see each other, roughly every 12 to 18 months. We stay in touch by email and the occasional phone call. I am the youngest of four children, and have felt that I've always had a fairly special relationship with my Dad. He still starts every phone call with, "So, how's my girl?" and ends it with "I love you, baby girl." He worked a lot when I was little and we didn't see a lot of him, but he always made a point to spend some special time with each of his children. Some of my fondest memories are of sitting on the couch watching TV, my little hand in his giant, calloused one.

My parents had a very intense and problematic relationship, in fact, you could say they hated each other. Even as young kids we could never understand why they stayed together. Finally, when I was in my mid-20's my Dad left my Mom and they divorced. It was still difficult, even at that age, and the family went through a period of taking sides. This was mostly due to the fact that my Dad almost immediately took up with another woman and she promptly got pregnant. She was 42 and he was 57. She had no children and knew this was her last chance to be a mother, so they had every test in the book to make sure the baby was OK, and they now have a 13 year-old son. And I have a 13 year-old half-brother. I thought I was losing my place as the baby in the family, but that turned out not to be true.

To say my Mom was the disciplinarian in the family is an understatement of mythic purportions. She had a leather strap that was specifically made for the purpose of teaching your children a lesson they wouldn't forget, and used it often. Her anger was always off the scale, it didn't matter if you spilled milk or shot the next door neighbour, it was always the same level. My Dad's anger was reserved for those times when you really did something bad. Although we had those special moments, as I said, he worked a lot and spent as much time away from my Mom (and therefore us) as he could.

Now, his second-time around as a father, he is completely different. He spends so much time with his son he complains about it, and is so lenient with him it was shocking to me the first time I witnessed it. I kept thinking, I would NEVER have gotten away with that as a kid! He asked me how things were going in our attempts to have a family and I briefly filled him in on the last couple of months, how disappointing its been, and that this upcoming injectibles cycle (when we actually get to do it), will be our last attempt with medical assistance.

He seemed glad of that and told me basically that once we forgot about it and relaxed, it would happen. It happened for them, after all. I patiently explained to him that I've been monitored closely the last two years and every time I take a test my results get worse. Then he tells me that we can always adopt. Its not like we haven't had this conversation before. I again gently told him that isn't the path we decided to take. I know he wants me to have what I've been trying for so long to have, and I'm grateful that he takes an interest, but as someone who has two families there isn't any way he can even relate.

I know this is a rambling post...this morning I cried into my husband's shoulder and told him how sorry I was that nothing we've tried has worked, and he told me it wasn't my fault, and I told him I just wanted him to be a daddy. At which point our two huge golden retrievers piled on top of us in the bed, just to remind us that we already are parents, of a sort.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Half-way & Counting

I'm about half-way through taking the BCPs. They are pure evil. I swear, each night when I push that little pill through its protective plastic coating, I can hear a little snicker. I'm still having pain on the right side, not enough to be concerned that a cyst has burst, but enough to know they are still there. Maybe they're the ones who are snickering.

After days of stressing about it, I finally sent my resume to Cisco. This job is a bit over my head, and I don't have a degree, which they are asking for, but its good exercise for me to battle that demon and put myself out there. As usual, the little people that live on either shoulder have been having a field day with this one.

Left: Who do you think you're kidding? There's no way in hell you could handle this job!

Right: You've done almost everything in the job description and been very successful at it. Its a great step-up for you and you deserve it!

If nothing else, its yet another step towards the end of trying to manage my life around the ever-increasing-unlikely scenario of having a baby. I've set my life up so its just perfect for getting PG and then having a baby, which is probably why it hasn't happened yet. Stupid me! I should leave my husband, quit my job and take a room in a sleazy motel, then I'll get PG fer sure!

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Day of the Dead

Actually Day of the Dead was the other day, but today is the Day of the Dead Cycle.

Muerto. Fini. Done. My U/S this morning showed one absolutely huge and one moderately-sized cyst, taking up almost half the screen. No stimulation for you, little lady! And, to add insult to injury, I'm on BCP for the month. A little suppression therapy, that'll fix you up good. A good theory, but not an idea that sits very well. At least I didn't have to pay for the BCPs. These silver linings are getting so thin, I swear they're really just silver-plated.

Seldom have I felt more like Bad-Luck Schleprock than today. Remember him? The little guy on the Flintstones who has always filthy and had a dark cloud that literally followed him everywhere?

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Pain & Suffering

Today I'm having an ultra-shitty day. I just watched John Kerry give his concession speech. 'Nuff said. I can't even put into words how depressed I am about this. Living where I do, its easy to forget that the rest of the country is so conservative they can't see beyond their Bibles and their gunracks. How depressing to see the west coast and the upper east quadrant of the map in blue and the entire rest of the country in red. Appropriate though: red ink. That's what we are wallowing in. And the blood of soldiers.

That's the big picture. My teeny tiny split screen picture is no prettier. My back is still killing me (thanks to Canada for producing 222's) and it looks like I'm not going to get that extra consulting job. Because the controller at the company was too conservative -- he wanted the safety of using an agency instead of paying less money and having more flexibility with an independent consultant. He's probably a Republican. Fuck.

Did I mention AF arrived yesterday? Baseline U/S is tomorrow morning. Yeah, I can't wait to take both Clomid and Gonal-F in the same cycle. Get ready for psycho-bitch on wheels.

Monday, November 01, 2004

The Good, The Bad and The Missing

Good: A headhunter calls me on Thursday out of the blue (I keep forgetting to ask her where she saw my resume), and it looks like I got myself a second client. Finally! I'll find out for sure tomorrow whether I got it. My boss at the first client gave a referral that made it sound like I "walk on water" in her words, but its up to someone other than who I spoke to whether to hire me or not. It will be weird to be working FT again after so long, but its only for a couple of weeks and I'll be glad to have the extra money, as we head into the holiday season and probably another injectibles/IUI cycle.

Bad: I fell in the grocery store this afternoon and hurt my back. What a klutz!! My lower back is bruised and sore and it spasms every time I get into a certain position, which of course, I keep doing. I had a glass of red wine and an Advil at dinner. I know, I know, I shouldn't be drinking at 14DPO, but I could barely sit forward enough to fork food into my mouth. After a while my back still hurt but I didn't care anymore.

Missing: AF. As of right now, 9:40 PM on 14DPO, no sign of her. Spotting a few days ago, cramping this morning, now...nothing. I flat out refuse to POAS yet. I have one remaining FRE in the house and I won't be fooled again!! We'll see what my temp does in the morning. Although, its possible that the wine will skew it one way or another.