The Return of the Speculum

There's nothing like reuniting with an old friend. Just when I thought I had finished with wand monkeys, there I was again Thursday, my feet in carwash-mitt-covered-stirrups and a speculum allowing my cervix a brief glimpse of the world. Having to have a pap re-done because of a questionable or bad result is one thing, but to have it re-done because the sample was too small for the lab to test is unforgivable. How much skill does it take to scrap enough microscopic cells into a tube?? Apparently, more than you'd think. At least he didn't charge me for it.

I asked Dr. T what we were doing now, am I just going to be on BCPs forever? He carefully read over his notes on my chart and told me to finish off the two starter packs he'd given me then stop and see what happens. Meaning, let's see if you are still having really short or really long cycles and are still waking up in the morning with your legs stuck together from night sweats. Let's see if you are still perimenopausal in two months' time.

I don't know what to think. Part of me wanted him to tell me, Yes, you are now on the Pill and that's the end of the story. I told my hubby what Dr. T said and I swear I could hear a touch of disappointment in his voice. He said, "So now we wait...again."

We will have a conversation about what to do next before I run out of BCPs. I know that if I told him I wanted to stay on the Pill so that I wouldn't have to be worrying about whether it could happen every month for the next 5 years, he would say OK. I know he wants me to be happy and to be freed from the constant cycling of self-monitoring, timing and disappointment. I also know he wants a baby.

Seriously, I am looking for assvice here. Here are the parameters:
** I am 41, DH is 46.
** No success through 8 Clomid/IUI and 3 injectibles/IUI cycles.
** Two high FSH results, the last one was 18.6.
** 4 consecutive months of extremely short or extremely long cycles, then a period that had to be stopped with Provera.
** History of endometriosis.
** No insurance coverage for ART, and no money for DE or IVF. Also, philosophically and emotionally, as well as financially, injectibles/IUI was as far as we were willing to go.

So now we are left to our own devices. I don't need to tell you the success rate for me is less than 5%, with a 50 -60% miscarriage risk. If I wasn't able to conceive with all that help, what makes me think I can do it on my own, given all the above parameters?

I'm waffling between having the piece of mind that we did everything we said we would do and staying on BCPs to help with the perimenopausal and endo symptoms, and moving on; and going off of them and continuing to try on our own and praying for some miracle.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?