The Thumb-ometer

Yes, it is Cycle Day 12, but given the circumstances I don't feel it necessary to carry that forward.

Now, to explain the title...when I was 18, lo all those 22 years ago, my boyfriend dropped me off at the business school I was attending. He drove a piece-o-shit station wagon and in an effort to close the door properly, I somehow ended up with my thumb on the inside of the door and slammed it shut. While it was shut in the door I felt nothing, but as soon as he opened the door from the inside I feel down on the pavement, almost passing out. I spent several hours in Emergency waiting to be looked at, and passed out as soon as the doctor touched it. Thankfully he did whatever he needed to do while I was out, and it wasn't broken. The nail fell off eventually and it never grew back correctly. Since then the nail has been in varying states of bumpiness, splitting and general fucked-up-edness.

Part II of the explanation...as a very young child I was a chronic nail-biter. Often to the point of bleeding, several times to the point of infection. I know now that I was inflicting physical pain on myself to mask the emotional pain that I was constantly in. My household was a thriving den of demons -- infidelity, drug use, sexual abuse, mental illness -- and this was how I dealt with it. Eventually I overcame the nail-biting, and now I have lovely (albeit unpolished) nails on 9 out of 10 digits.

The thumb, however, remains as a marker of my emotional health. When things get tough, the tough get to destroying what is left of the nailbed. For the last 6 months or so, its been so bad that I've taken to putting on a band-aid whenever I'm out in public. This prevents me from picking at it and also prevents me from having to hide my left hand from view.

If it weren't for Zoloft, I think I would be back into full-blown panic attacks. I feel like its my lifevest. When you jump into water wearing one, it doesn't prevent you from going under, it just pops you back up to the surface after a couple of seconds. I've cried a lot in the past few days, but when I'm not in the middle of a crying jag, I feel strangely calm. Medicated. Go figure.