Stepping Back & Moving Forward

Oooo, don't you just love a witty turn of a phrase like that? I'm noticing that I feel like I have to come up with something clever to name each entry, its like a chapter title in a novel. I actually stress about this. Its a wonder I can function at all with all the worrying I do.

After my recent big bite of reality sandwich (see Cycle Day 9), and hearing one of my new friends from cyberspace talk about taking a step back from this day-to-day obsession, I realize that I also need to do this. I'm working on a post (in my head, of course) for my forum letting them know that I won't be on 24/7 anymore and that, one way or another, they are going to have to find a new hostess soon. One of two things are going to happen by the end of the year: 1) I will be pregnant; or 2) I won't be TTC anymore. Either circumstance renders me as an inappropriate hostess for a TTC forum. I'm dreading all the well-wishes and "don't leave us" messages, but I have to do this.

I feel like I am already starting the grieving process. If I go into these last couple of cycles with the attitude that it won't work, I will be better steeled against the crushing defeat and depression. Cuz if "wishing made it so", I would have had 3 kids by now. I don't buy the notion that a positive attitude does anything to increase my chances. With my diminished ovarian reserve, advanced maternal age, high FSH, endometriosis, history of sexual abuse and abortion, its a wonder my doctor hasn't tossed me out the door already. Bracing for impact, getting ready to fail, whatever you want to call it, I'm passing through that door. My only solace is it will be for the last time, at least with regard to this issue. Helmet and flak jacket are at the ready.