Cry Me A River

I can't stop crying. No, not literally or continuously. It just comes over me at odd moments. Like in the grocery store, nowhere near the baby food/diaper isle, I'm tearing up over cottage cheese and cold cuts. I hate this feeling. Like I don't have control over my emotions. Like a crazy crying woman has taken over my body. How can I be this sad? I'm not even at the "real" end of the road yet, I still have the one Miracle Cycle left, where we put all the guns together and take one last good whack at it.

And if I'm this sad now, how am I gonna get through it when I'm really at The End? Am I going to be one of those women who can't be around babies? I know lots of people who have lost a child. Some through miscarriages (every bit as gut-wrenchingly awful as any other type of loss), others through car accidents, suicide, stillbirth and SIDS. All devastating.

It just occurred to me that I've just past the 20 year anniversary of my due date, had I chosen to carry my baby to term. It was actually about a month ago, but that's about when all this craziness started, when I was about to start my first injectibles cycle. I had been thinking this whole time my heightened emotional state was because of all the extra hormones, and then the disappointment of having the IUIs cancelled. Every year I grieve a little, but this is different. Jesus, I didn't even WANT that baby! And I don't think it would have survived even if I hadn't terminated the pregnancy. I hate that a decision I don't regret is still causing me guilt and pain. The irony is not lost on me either.