Woman in Chains

It’s been over two months now since I decided to stay on BCPs and vowed to you all to try to move forward and be happy with the life I’ve got. Yeah, right. Instead I’ve spent the last two months in exactly the same spot as I was before, with a trip to Hawaii thrown in.

While we were in Hawaii I broke down twice. Granted, the first time was after an exhausting hike over lava fields that to me were the embodiment of my endometriosis-scarred insides, and after the novacaine gel I had slathered on my sunburned legs had worn off. I don’t have an excuse for the second time, it was just the culmination of sadness I’d been carrying around.

Which brings me a book review. (Huh? Don’t worry, I do have a point here.) I just finished reading Shade by Neil Jordan, the writer/director of The Crying Game and The End of the Affair. Synopsis from Amazon: Neil Jordan's Shade is the story of Nina Hardy, who, as we find out at the beginning of the book, has been murdered by her childhood friend, George. The story revolves around a group of childhood friends, their journey through childhood, adolescence and their inevitable drifting apart, and ultimately leading to the reason for the gruesome murder. The narrator is the shade of the title, the ghost of Nina Hardy. This is not so much a book review as a spoiler, as I’m going to tell you the reason for the murder: abortion. I liked this book and I would recommend it, but for me the ending just stuck in my head; that 20 years after the fact the discovery of the death of an unborn child could turn a gentle man into a murderer.

For the past couple of years I’ve been reading books and warning others in my reviews when there are elements of infertility in the story, but in reality I can’t think of one single book I’ve read (maybe ever) that didn’t somehow include at least one of these things: abortion, miscarriage, infertility, pregnancy, childbirth, death of a child, parenting, etc. My point is, the family is the fundamental cornerstone of our society, our world, and those of us who struggle with infertility or the loss of a child can’t be shielded from this reality in fiction any more than we can in real life.

So once again I am making a promise to myself to TRY to let go of my painful and soul-sucking past, live in the present and look to the future with guarded optimism. Here are the things I cannot change about my past, my present and myself:
** I am an incest survivor
** My brother, my abuser, is dead and this issue will never be resolved between us
** I am a rape victim
** I had an abortion
** My mother is mentally ill and I will never have the relationship I want with her
** I have 4 chronic and incurable diseases: arthritis, herpes, anxiety/depression & endometriosis
** I married a man even though I knew it was wrong
** I committed adultery
** I will never be pregnant, have a baby or be a mother

I cry every time I hear the old Tears for Fears song “Woman in Chains”, when they get to the line “Well I feel - deep in your heart there are wounds time can't heal”…I’m not sure how to heal these wounds or even if that’s possible, but I’m hanging onto the ending refrain:

so free her – so free her

Tears for Fears - Woman in Chains mp3