Words to Live By

Happily married. 41. Infertile/perimenopausal. TV and iPod addict. Transplanted Canadian living in California. {Warning - abundant sarcasm and frequent *gasp* profanity lie herein.}

Friday, October 28, 2005

Woman in Chains

It’s been over two months now since I decided to stay on BCPs and vowed to you all to try to move forward and be happy with the life I’ve got. Yeah, right. Instead I’ve spent the last two months in exactly the same spot as I was before, with a trip to Hawaii thrown in.

While we were in Hawaii I broke down twice. Granted, the first time was after an exhausting hike over lava fields that to me were the embodiment of my endometriosis-scarred insides, and after the novacaine gel I had slathered on my sunburned legs had worn off. I don’t have an excuse for the second time, it was just the culmination of sadness I’d been carrying around.

Which brings me a book review. (Huh? Don’t worry, I do have a point here.) I just finished reading Shade by Neil Jordan, the writer/director of The Crying Game and The End of the Affair. Synopsis from Amazon: Neil Jordan's Shade is the story of Nina Hardy, who, as we find out at the beginning of the book, has been murdered by her childhood friend, George. The story revolves around a group of childhood friends, their journey through childhood, adolescence and their inevitable drifting apart, and ultimately leading to the reason for the gruesome murder. The narrator is the shade of the title, the ghost of Nina Hardy. This is not so much a book review as a spoiler, as I’m going to tell you the reason for the murder: abortion. I liked this book and I would recommend it, but for me the ending just stuck in my head; that 20 years after the fact the discovery of the death of an unborn child could turn a gentle man into a murderer.

For the past couple of years I’ve been reading books and warning others in my reviews when there are elements of infertility in the story, but in reality I can’t think of one single book I’ve read (maybe ever) that didn’t somehow include at least one of these things: abortion, miscarriage, infertility, pregnancy, childbirth, death of a child, parenting, etc. My point is, the family is the fundamental cornerstone of our society, our world, and those of us who struggle with infertility or the loss of a child can’t be shielded from this reality in fiction any more than we can in real life.

So once again I am making a promise to myself to TRY to let go of my painful and soul-sucking past, live in the present and look to the future with guarded optimism. Here are the things I cannot change about my past, my present and myself:
** I am an incest survivor
** My brother, my abuser, is dead and this issue will never be resolved between us
** I am a rape victim
** I had an abortion
** My mother is mentally ill and I will never have the relationship I want with her
** I have 4 chronic and incurable diseases: arthritis, herpes, anxiety/depression & endometriosis
** I married a man even though I knew it was wrong
** I committed adultery
** I will never be pregnant, have a baby or be a mother

I cry every time I hear the old Tears for Fears song “Woman in Chains”, when they get to the line “Well I feel - deep in your heart there are wounds time can't heal”…I’m not sure how to heal these wounds or even if that’s possible, but I’m hanging onto the ending refrain:

so free her – so free her

Tears for Fears - Woman in Chains mp3

12 Comments:

At 4:19 PM, Blogger Ramona said...

You are right...there are things that you can not change about your past, or your present. But, you do have some control over how you want to live your future. I know that dealing with chronic illness is very difficult, and anxiety/depression can be especially difficult to deal with, but all I can hope for for you, is that you don't let your soul-sucking and strained past tarnish your future. I'm glad that you are 'guardedly optimistic.' To me, that says that you are looking forward to the future. When I first met you on the Sheknows boards, I was eager to read all of your advice and optimism towards all the women there, you really helped. You don't need anyone to tell you that you have wonderful qualities, a great husband, home, dogs, all important pieces to a happy future.
I certainly don't want to trivialize your infertility, or anyone's for that matter, because I do know the pain and disappointment involved. I guess, I just feel that life can be full and enjoyable without children, that you can still be a family, together.
It's just different from how you imagined it.
I hope, you will be freed, and one day will look towards the future with pure optimism!

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger Cricket said...

Wow, Donna.

We've walked in each other's shoes. Except for the abusive brother, abortion, and arthritis, I am one-for-one with you. Literally. Substitute hypothyroid and pregnant again and I'm done.

I will listen with great regard as you get over the crap, as I so much want to as well. What a concept, focusing on the idea that life happening is completely normal. I'm here and supporting.

 
At 6:35 PM, Blogger Coloratura said...

Oh, my dear... why is it that people get dumped on like this? It's something I've only been able to answer for myself with spirituality... by I know you are agnostic.

I guess I just want to say: remind yourself that you are a survivor. Look at all that you have lived through. That is an impressive list your wrote there, chica.

For myself, I once saw myself as a damaged, wounded thing. But I see it as my battle scars now...

You have every right to be sad and to look at how you have suffered and feel everything that reflecting on that makes you feel. I am sorry you have suffered. I know at least what some of that feels like.

I agree with you on family and it seems important to you. So maybe after you're done feeling sad you can find a way to somehow find family. In my own case, I've often thought of going to nursing homes where there are a lot of neglected and sometimes even abandoned elderly people (as we treat them like trash in our society.) I haven't done it yet, but I just might someday. I get kind of scared thinking of actually doing it, but other times I think how wonderful it could be.

My therapist once said to me: be open to other women who can be a mother to you in your life and they will show up. That's kind of happened for me... one of my clients is an older woman and I ended up spilling a lot of my 'beans' to her... we've totally bonded and when I see her, I kind of feel like I have a bit of a mother again. I think it also has something to do with the fact that her daughter is gay, and I get the feeling that their relationship is not that great as they are very, very different. So it's kind of like, she's looking for a daughter too.

I'm not entirely convinced that we are meant to get everything from our birth families. So I think my therapist was on to something there...

I hope these words help some. Have another good cry, if it helps. Have several. And then when you're ready, I wish you the strength and courage to find goodness in your life. You surely deserve it.

 
At 6:36 PM, Blogger charlie's mom said...

I wish I knew how to free you. I would if I could.

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger Coloratura said...

sorry, I think I meant to say atheist... can't remember which you said you are...

 
At 8:39 PM, Blogger MC said...

Thanks for sharing this post. I still break down and get sad. I can't predict when or where it will happen. It's so hard. I admire your strength, your posts and your comments on my blog always help me.

 
At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dearest Donna,
I want to write something, anything, but the truth is there are no sage words that can take another human being's pain away. I want to tell you to be strong, to look within for strength, to plunge deep into your internal reserves for sustenance, but the truth is words fail because I know how utterly desolate life can be and how empty words can sound.

When I became an agnostic, which was a long process, my life became devoid of hope. I knew then there was no "great divine plan" out there, there was no "Great One" looking out for me, guiding me onto a better destiny. No, I was pretty much on my own. Yes, life became arid but it also became more honest.

Your struggle is hard, it's painful, at times it is almost consuming you. But in the end you will emerge victorious because you are above all brutally honest with yourself. And for that I salute you.

 
At 5:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I could help you purge everything in that list. I wish there was some magic words that would suddenly take away everything that haunts you. To heal from the things we cannot change is the hardest thing in the world to achieve. Just know that you have a lot of people who love you and want the world for you.

 
At 1:02 PM, Blogger Tiff said...

Oh, Donna, you have been through so damn much.
I am hoping that soon when you think of your life, another song pops into your head..'My futures so bright, I gotta wear shades'. (Well, minus the fact that the song is about nuclear war.)

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger April said...

You are also incredibly strong. And resilient. And inspiring. And intelligent. And giving. And beautiful. And you also can't change these things.

I am so sorry that you've had to suffer through such horrors in your life. I'm sorry that you've been forced to deal more than your fair share, more than anyone should have to bear.

I wish I could make it easier. I wish I could take away the hurt, the pain, the emptiness.

Remind yourself that you are loved, because you are.

 
At 3:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, Donna... for the first time ever... I'm speechless...

Wow... you are one strong survivor... you have my respect... I'm so incredibly sorry you have had to endure so much... so sorry.

 
At 3:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Donna... the last comment was me, Manuela... didn't let me post a name for some reason...

 

Post a Comment

<< Home