A Thousand Words
We have pictures. Four pictures of C. and his son, S., taken last summer. Father and son have the same eyes, the same shape of face, the same hair. Not just the same color and type of hair, but the same hair CUT. We went over to his Mom's on Saturday to show her the pictures, and she noticed right away they have the same hands. She brought out an old photo album from when C. was a baby, for comparison purposes. Looking at those old photos just made me so sad.
First, because D's brother and sister had their kids at about the same time, C. is the youngest by barely a year, there is less than 5 years between the four children. There are pictures of all the cousins, everybody together at family gatherings, etc. It would have been so perfect if D. had been able to keep his son as part of his life, he would have gotten so much support and C. would have grown up with the other three, who are all wonderful young adults now. Seeing D. with C. in his arms just broke my heart. Then it was broken again when I looked at C. and his son, who are now separated.
Then, there's the selfish part. I wonder how this will change things in my relationship with D. Now more than ever, I assume there won't be any more discussion about us having a child by any means, he's at the beginning of a new chapter with his son and grandson. His family tree continues, while mine just ends in a stump. I'll never know what its like to see my eyes in someone else's face, or to hear my Dad's sense of humor passed on. Back when we were considering a surrogate I had myself convinced that the fact that it wouldn't be my bio-child didn't matter, I wanted D's genes to continue. That's bullshit. It DOES matter. As I've said before, biology and the need to procreate is hard-wired. We are all innately selfish creatures with a desire for immortality.
C. seems like a wonderful young man and I will be happy to welcome him into my life. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Unless something changes, I'll be there when father and son reunite, this coming Saturday.
The Kinks -- Picture Book Mp3
posted by Donna @ 1:48 PM
12 Comments:
Donna, I saw your comment on Wessel's blog, so "found" my way back here. I'm still in the ttc world, at least partially, so I feel awkward about posting here or even emailing you again. I just want you to know I think about you. May I come back once in awhile? Teri
To be specific, I was wondering if you'd like to commiserate re: "Scalito," our next Rehnquist-lite appointee.
Also, I know you're the outdoorsy type; what brand hiking shoe have you found the most comfortable? A neighbor's dog likes to steal shoes and stole one, just one, of my very $$$ Asolo's. Ah, never liked them anyway. Lookin' for new ones now. Thanks, Teri
How exciting that you will be meeting C this weekend! You get to be a step-mother, how great is that?! This is the beginning of a new chapter for all of you, what a wonderful way to start the new year.
Donna, I think it's completely normal to have these mixed feelings. Your joy at the reunion between D and his son is so clear, but obviously you regret the time they lost, and thing about your chances that didn't go the way you wanted them too. It's not selfish; as you say, it's normal and human. I'm so glad for the reunion, and sorry that you're feeling sad.
Oh Donna, I'm sorry such sad feelings surfaced, but it's to be expected. I certainly hope that the joy and happiness of the reunion (can it really be this Sat. already?) will henceforth overshadow any sadness brought by remembering the past. You and D and C and S have much time to make up for and it sounds like everyone is committed to making sure that good times will follow. I wish all of you much laughter and love.
I think I would have the same feelings. And I agree with you that, at least in my case, the desire to procreate is hard-wired. But for me it is not about immortality, I don't give a flip about immortality. It's just that I wanted that miracle to happen to me, to experience it. I feel very, very lucky that it did. I think I might appreciate it more than most because of what came after.
I do believe that the true miracle is the love that you feel. As an adoptee, it was phenomenal to see my eyes in someone else. Mind-blowing. But it is the love that my father and I share that is the true anchor in my life.
Not seeing your husband and yourself in a child is a loss, a huge one. And I am not saying that adoption is for everyone, but I just think people are surprised by how much being a parent is more important that having the same personalities or features.
This is not a pitch for anything, just my own personal experience.
Donna,
I'm so sorry that this stirs it all up for you. I wish i could help. I can see what you're saying about your dh's family being "complete" and moving on with the next generation. It bites. But, then again, it strikes me that once your dh gets past the initial euphoria of reunion and relief, he might be even more interested in reopening the baby talks with you, considering his own source of new found joy. He might have a new/deeper appreciation/understanding for the pain and loss you feel.
Donna, I am hoping that Saturday will bring you all the beginnings of your journey to joy and happiness. Thinking of you, sweetheart.
Donna, I wish it could be different for you. It seems so unfair, I know it's a tough situation. I wishyour husband was the one overcoming his feelings and not you. - Sorry if that's a harsh thing to say, I know it's tough when you love someone so much and want to make the right choice for them too. I just hate to think of you in pain.
I agree it's perfectly normal to feel conflicted. It would be difficult, especially after infertility, to be confronted with a full grown child, no matter how happy you are about it.
oops, hehe, i meant to tag you, but then i didnt think the mo was appropriate. I guess now that you've been to my blog that cat's out of the bag. And yes, you are restricted in number, only FIVE weird things ;)
Oh, darlin'... there's a LOT of this sentiment going 'round right now... I can COMPLETELY understand why you feel this way... and share many of the same feelings.
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