Words to Live By

Happily married. 41. Infertile/perimenopausal. TV and iPod addict. Transplanted Canadian living in California. {Warning - abundant sarcasm and frequent *gasp* profanity lie herein.}

Monday, December 26, 2005

Child of Mary

I talked to my mother (Mary) today. After many years of heart-breaking passive-aggressiveness and long periods of silence, we've come to an understanding about the amount and type of communication that works between us. We speak on the phone twice, maybe three times a year -- her birthday, my birthday, and Christmas -- and send the obligatory cards back and forth. I send her a Christmas centerpiece or wreath (without flowers, she's allergic) every year, and she sends me a few pictures of herself and a gift I will never use. When we talk on the phone we discuss safe topics like the weather, trips we've taken recently or the dogs. Occasionally, if I open the door even a crack, she'll launch headlong into her latest mysterious medical condition that no doctor can seem to diagnose. When this happens I wait patiently in silence until she realizes I am not saying anything and changes the subject. Not exactly the ideal mother-daughter relationship, but after all the pain and anger that she's caused me I think it's the best that I can do.

Our trip to Yosemite was slightly disappointing, as there was absolutely NO snow to be found, at least not at the altitude we were at, you could see tiny spots on the tops of mountains. The bare trees do have a certain kind of sad beauty, but I missed the quiet magic that seeing them covered with snow brings.



















Our hotel was a full hour's drive from the hotel where the big dinner was, which was unexpected, so that night involved driving back and forth and back and forth as we had to get our table assignment in person and the time cut-off was 2 hours before the dinner started. Once we finally got there (a bit late), it was really wonderful. At one point a beautiful little girl of about 10 was dancing and singing and stopped on her way down the causeway to hand me the ribbon she was carrying and grabbed D. for an impromptu dance. I smiled sweetly in the spotlight as my heart jumped into my throat and tears welled behind my eyes, watching my husband twirl her around joyfully.

The next day we returned to Yosemite Valley to do some hiking and wander around the Ahwahnee in the daylight.



















All day there were performances by the opera chorale that stars in the dinner. We managed to get a comfy seat on a couch to listen to them sing carols. Sitting in a room decorated to the hilt, everyone around me singing along, I sat silently, feeling disconnected during the religious selections and barren and sad during the children's carols. We left before Santa arrived; I couldn't bear to watch all the children in the room squealing with delight in their adorable outfits.

The last few years we've started the tradition of taking D's Mom to the movies on Christmas Day. This year we saw the Chronicles of Narnia. I read the books when I was a child, they were some of my favorites. It was completely delightful, and went a long way to fulfill my wish for a magical snow-covered fantasy. The computer generation was absolutely amazing, especially the lion, and the children were very good. I wonder why only British children get to have these types of wonderful adventures? From Mary Poppins to Harry Potter to Lord of the Rings to Narnia, its really not fair. I have added a new actor to my "Famous Men I'd Like To Do" list, he's just a baby, only 18, but undeniably delicious: William Mosely, who plays the eldest of the four children.

We watched several of the programs on TV recently about the Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene, the childhood of Jesus, Noah's ark, etc. While I don't doubt that some of even all of these people may have existed, their divinity and the debate over whether the Bible is fact or fiction makes me slightly angry and slightly crazy. Going back to my mother and my childhood, one thing that I am thankful for is the utter lack of religion in our household. I think I would have been much worse off if I had to struggle with the dichotomy of an omnipotent and omniscient power that was goodness personified, watching over me, with the reality of my existence. Although his views are more extreme than mine, Penn Jillette wrote a very interesting article for NPR a while back, and some of the things he writes ring true for me. [I'm not a huge Penn Jillette fan, I think he's very strange, and he jumped on the celebrity wacky baby name wagon as well.] To those who have a strong faith of the God of your understanding, I envy you. All I have is myself, my loved ones and the blogosphere.

8 Comments:

At 3:10 PM, Blogger avonlea said...

Donna, you seem to me more born of yourself than of your mother or your family. So, even though I only know you online, I see you more as a child of Donna. You got to choose who to be out of the muck that was your family and you made it happen. You're just as beautiful on the inside as on the outside.

 
At 11:32 PM, Blogger Coloratura said...

Hey Donna... funny to read your post, see your pictures of the place where we just were at Thanksgiving...

I'm glad it was a good banquet, I can only imagine how beautful the Awahnee must have looked at Christmas, even without snow.

I know what you mean about the children... this year, more than ever before, Christmas felt empty with just Patrice and I... maybe we'll have some good news soon, who knows...

I admire you for being able to speak to your mother. I'm not there yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. My therapist suggested I take a break from my family several years ago, and I just haven't wanted to end that break. I wonder if I ever will sometimes...

Anyway, glad you are back safe and sound. Happy New Year!

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger Tiff said...

Moxie Crimefighter? Holy Fuck!

 
At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't talked to my mother in years really. Technically over a year, but really we've been on the outs for about 4. I feel your pain.

 
At 6:06 AM, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

I have the same kind of relationship with my mom, except i've only just come to realize it. Up until this year, i've been operating under the assumption that i could actually do something about it. I guess that's why i became an overachiever as a kid--always trying to garner the good attention of my parents.

I've always known that i never really connected with my mom. It wasnt until i bought my first house this year and my mom wasnt around or curious to see it, that i realized that it's not me, it's her. My mom lives about 30 minutes away, and she didnt care that i moved, bought a house, or ask to see it. Good grief!

It took me 31 years to come to this conclusion. Well, i was blocked by my inability to conceive of anyone, let alone my very own parents, not loving me ... mememememememe. How could that possibly be, especially since i'm undeniably cute and adorable and precocious and loving??? Well, i was so as a kid at least.

I was spawned by two people incapable of giving love. And it took me all this time to realize that there's nothing i could do about that, nothing i could do to have a "normal" loving relationship with my parents. (My dad still hasnt come to see my house, and it's been a year. And he lives 30 minutes away too, just not with my mom as they're divorced. Why did they ever divorce? They're a perfect match!)

And it's tough because you're really an orphan but your parents are alive. So the emotional support you get from friends on this is zilch. Just like infertility. And your friends cant understand why you dont have a better relationship with your mom, and your mom ends up with all the sympathy for spawning an uncaring daughter!

And now, given my new conclusions about my relationship with my mom, my so called "reputation" will sink even lower because i've given up any pretense to try to visit her once a week or even a month--although i still sometimes feel bad about that.

Oh well, sorry to ramble on and on. I guess i should talk about this at my blog, instead of clogging up yours like this.

Do you think that our infertility is in any way linked to having a bad relationship with our mothers? Are there many infertile couples with very loving relationships with their parents?

 
At 10:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can relate to what Jude said about being an orphan even though your parents are still alive. If it makes you feel any better, my parents were so dysfunctional that having any kind of conversation was completely out of the question, unattainable. Oh well. I've done what I need to do, which is have no contact whatsoever, though I can't say I've shaken the effects of being born into an unloving family situation.

As for G-d and religion, well, I struggle with my faith as you know if you read my blog. I don't doubt that a good deal of the Bible is factual--we see certain events reflected in other historical sources and archeology. The question is whether the entire theology is fact or fiction (at least, that's the question for me, not necessarily for you). Sometimes, though, this question doesn't even matter to me either. Whether it's "the truth" or not seems less important than whether it is serving a valuable, healthy purpose in my life. And that's another question, isn't it? :-)

 
At 9:20 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Donna, I have made my peace with my bad relationship with my mother and although I have not endured any of your trials and pain, it still hurts to have a mother who is not there when I need mothering. But I know now it does not matter what I do, it is her.

I am going to see Narnia this week when I am on holiday. I have been waiting for the child-filled Xmas rush to pass.

 
At 7:33 AM, Blogger erinberry said...

I'm glad you've found something that seems to work with your mother.

Your Yosemite photo is lovely - Looks very silent to me, if that makes sense.

 

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