In Flux
I've been struggling quite a bit lately. I generally feel a sense of dread around the holidays, but this year its even worse than usual. Thank God we have a DVR now so I don't have to watch commercials showing happy families with twinkling lights and rosy cheeks. I'm barely in my 40s and already I feel like a cynical old hag. D and I aren't buying presents for each other this year, and we're forgoing decorating and a tree since we'll be out of town most of Christmas week. I'm not even sending out Christmas cards this year, something I would have found unthinkable just a few years ago. For the first time, there is no hope for "next year" to be the year when we have our child. Even before we started trying, the hope was there for the future.
This may sound strange to some of you, but I honestly think that adopting a child would be a terrible choice for us. Partly because there is history that is painful, but partly because that adopted child would always be a reminder of my infertility, my ultimate failure. So, I am stuck here in this pergatory. I realize its only been a few months since I found out I was perimenopausal and we decided to get off the Baby Train, so I need to cut myself some slack and allow the grieving process to happen without beating myself up. I'm just so tired of being sad and depressed.
We went to see the new sci-fi movie Aeon Flux the other day, part of D's birthday celebration. (BTW, this is what I got him.) Summary: The film, based on the futuristic MTV animated series created by Peter Chung, is set 400 years in the future, when disease has wiped out the majority of the earth's population except for one walled, protected city- state, Bregna, ruled by a congress of scientists. Charlize Theron plays the title role of "Aeon Flux," the top operative in the underground "Monican" rebellion, led by the Handler, played by Frances McDormand. When Aeon is sent on a mission to kill the government's leader, she uncovers a world of secrets, which makes her question everything she thought she knew.
SPOILER ALERT! If you plan on seeing this movie you might want to stop reading now, although this particular fact doesn't give away the ending or any of the plot twists. I knew absolutely nothing about this movie except that Charlize wears a skin-tight catsuit for most of it (and even less sometimes), and I was surprised to discover that the essence of the conflict in the story revolves around infertility. Global infertilty, in fact. There's just no getting away from it, the continuation of the species is the most important medical/scientific/biological concern, and I was not able to do my part. Its not even about the baby anymore, I love my cushy life and all my free time and sleeping in -- its about the failure.
posted by Donna @ 12:59 PM
15 Comments:
I get it, I really do. And it's funny that you've mentioned this because it's something I've come to terms with in the last few days. A change in plans for me, anything that deviates from having a baby the old fashioned way, is seen as a failure. Not for other people, but for me. I'm a very persistent person; I don't quit, ever. And I hate I see this as a failure because honestly, I didn't always feel that way. I think that now that I've recognized the feeling (which was keeping me from moving on to adoption, DE or even just plain old IVF), I can move on. Whatever that means.
Infertility really does suck.
If there is one thing I have learned it's that infertility and the holidays don't mix.
We aren't doing holiday cards this year either.
I am sorry that things have been so tough, Donna, but they will get better...eventually, I promise.
Just be happy in the meantime that you found such an awesome dress and that you and D are going to have a rockin' little holiday getaway.
Donna,
The failure issue is a tough one. In my case I feel like I could have made it if only... (and there are a 100 of them it seems like).
I don't know. Fuck. What control do we have over our bodies? You're not a failure, there's not one single thing that you ever did that caused you to become perimenopausal - I know you know that and it still feels the way it does.
I think the most important thing is that you and your husband have decided on what is right for you.
I hope you can start beating up the depression and sadness instead of yourself real soon.
I hope you enjoy being away from home for the holidays.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's only been the last few months that I can even say to J that I think I will make it through even if IVF fails for us. We won't adopt either, it's just not for us and i think it would be a reminder of my failure to get pregnant and sustain it.
It's so hard and isolating my friends think that I shouldn't mourn.
Hi Donna, I'm sorry you're feeling sad. You are not a failure, you have a rebellious body. Me too. I completely understand how you and DH are feeling. I hope the holiday and the trip will help.
Donna, the holidays here can really be shit so I hate to think how bad it is in the land of cheesy commercials! We decided that Xmas is going to be a quiet affair for us and I am a) looking forward to just having some quiet time at home with my hubs and b) January to get back to normal.
Adoption is not for us so if the whole DE thing doesn't work out, that will be it for us. I do not know how that will feel. Maybe relief. Maybe devastation. Whatever happens, it will happen and I will definitely get a dog instead! Take care, sweetie.
You are not a failure. Infertility is a medical condition. Is someone with cancer a failure? No. Same thing. Infertility is a medical condition that affects the reproductive system. Plain and simple.
And yes I agree. The holidays blow. Luckily, they'll be over in a few weeks.
Dearest Donna,
I've been mulling over the past two days how I could compose a post without it sounding like assvice. I probably still will sound assvicish but I'll risk it.
Believe me I know how infertility makes one feel like a failure. I'm Indian, coming from a family where cousins produce kids like bunny rabbits (no offence to rabbits, before PETA sends out leaflets about me), and there I was with nothing to show forth from my womb. But no woman should ever feel like a failure because of infertility. It is a function that is beyond anyone's control. It is the single, most, excruciatingly painful experience that will make you question everything you believe in.
Life is disappointing at the best of times. It almost never turns out like the commercial we dreamt it would. There are people with wonderful marriages and failing kidneys, there are people with babies and failing marriages. There is always something in life that is amiss.
Being an agnostic, I've given up thinking that it will all just get better. It doesn't but life is for the living. I think I got this line from a movie, "live this day your life, because this day is your life". I hope you go out on Christmas day and love hard, laugh madly and dance like there is no tomorrow. Sadness feeds on sadness, tell sadness to get the heck out. Rock on lady.
I'm sorry you're feeling bad too. I know how the holidays can bring on bad feelings... it's so idealized and rammed down your throat 24/7 from sometime before Halloween (I swear, I saw Christmas stuff in the stores BEFORE Halloween this year. It was nauseating.)
I can understand your feelings about adoption. I don't know if it will become an option for us or not, but it would not be our first choice...
And no, you didn't fail. Life is strange and often shitty. Nice people get crapped on, all the time. It's not you, it's life.
I want to say that I still hope for you, but I'm not sure that's what you need to hear. But I kind of do...
You seem like an awfully strong person and I have a feeling somehow you will make your way through. With a husband like you have, at least your way will be a little easier...
Yes, the holidays suck, but no, you aren't a failure. I know it feels that way but really you're not. And you haven't had all that long to grieve. Not having a child is a big loss so please be gentle with yourself.
Donna,
You have some incredible people posting incredible comments to your blog.
I know this year has been a tough one for you, that there has been a lot of sadness, and disappointment. I want you to know, that you are NOT a failure. Yes, it is an ultimate disappointment not being able to give birth to your child, but it saddens me to hear you think of it as your ultimate failure. Being told that you are peri-menopausal in the midst of trying to get pregnant is like being frozen in your tracks and slapped in the face at the same time. There's not a whole lot you can do. It absolutely sucks (I also know this first-hand) but, truthfully, I'm not even sure that I would call it a medical condition, because it is something that all women go through. Some earlier than others, some later, some probably don't even know it is happening to them. We can't beat ourselves up over how our bodies change as we get older and there really is no plastic surgery, or science that can correct this. It just happens.
I know that we all deal with our disappointments in life differently, and this is just the way I've chosen to think about my own infertility. And, I've had a whole year now to think about it.
I really liked Elizabeth's comment "Live this day your life, because this day is your life." I think we all need to be reminded of that every once in a while.
I just about could have written that post (except that I haven't seen Aeon Flux yet but don't worry, I skipped that part). We aren't having a tree this year either. I just don't even want to look at it.
To make things even better, I found out this week that one my students from last year (15 yrs old) is 6 months pregnant. Depressing on more levels than I can even take in. Five years ago, I was pregnant and bought all kinds of baby stuff. Then we lost him and I haven't had the heart (or guts?) to even look at the stuff. Getting rid of it will be the finally admittal. "It's NEVER gonna happen" kind of thing. So, I am going to go through it and give it to the young mother. God knows she needs it now and I never will.
Yah... the Holidays... siiiggggh.
There's a reason I've been out of the country for the last four Christmas seasons... and I don't see it changing anytime soon.
I'm sorry you are feeling so down :(
Donna,
I feel the same way this year. I just want to go away for the holidays. I don't want to see anyone. And i was one of those who bought tons of gifts for everyone i knew. This year, it's like, well, if there's no prospect for my kids ever enjoying in all this revelry that i'm creating for others, it just feels like a lot of work and no fun. Sorry, that's so selfish, but whatEver!
So, i didnt buy any gifts and i plan to spend the time with dh. I've got to have a new plan for holidays. The one with all the gifts and family sharing no longer works for me. It's not fun. It's 100% sheer stress. And the only good reason to put up with that no longer exists.
I also am not inclined to adopt. Not now at least. The prospect of adopting doesn't make the loss of not having children of my own any better for me. And right now, i need to find a way to lessen that pain, not complicate it.
I'm so sorry about dh's son. That's so tragic and painful. And if dh adopts a child and then later meets his real son, well, that's going to be real hard on biological son.
I'm so sorry.
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