Words to Live By

Happily married. 41. Infertile/perimenopausal. TV and iPod addict. Transplanted Canadian living in California. {Warning - abundant sarcasm and frequent *gasp* profanity lie herein.}

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Overwhelmed

You are correct, I am over thinking this. And yet, I can't stop. Today I am overwhelmed and feel like I have nothing to give to anyone.

I took on a second client this week, working for a good friend that I've worked with and for before. Easy work, some of it from home, good money. Even when you add together the time for both clients, it still doesn't equal a full-time job. And yet, I wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Last night I was at the hairdresser for my once-every-five-week attempt to keep the gray at bay. I've been seeing the same stylist for a long time and we chat easily. She also struggled with IF and was never successful, so I feel her to be a kindred spirit of sorts. Usually the salon is a haven for me, but last night it was filled with children and babies. Ugh. How dare they invade my inner sanctum. I told my stylist about D.'s son resurfacing, she was happy for us, as is everyone. As I sat there surrounded by the sounds of children and adults interacting with them, I could feel myself sinking. I couldn't hear anything after a while, the voice in my head was so loud.

"You are never going to have a child," it said.

Fuck. I need a drink.

It's five o'clock somewhere.

8 Comments:

At 2:34 PM, Blogger Mellie said...

Oh Donna, tell that voice to piss off, and pour another drink and watch a funny movie. Remember that you just had a huge event happen in your and D's life - and it was good. And I was so glad to hear that.

 
At 1:37 AM, Blogger MC said...

I hear that voice too. I think things are ging ok and then it pops up.

I'm very happy for you that the meeting with your husbands son went well.

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger charlie's mom said...

I'm sorry Donna.

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger Fertile Soul said...

Oh Donna, i know how you feel and i'm so so sorry. I go through huge stretches of time nowadays where i forget that little fact about myself. I'm never going to have kids either. Sometimes it's so unfathomable and sometimes it hits you like sucker punch.

I'm sorry for the loss you feel which is made more intense or apparent by what your dh suddenly gained--a biological son. It's like being stuck outside the candy store, staring at all the candy and the kids inside. It sucks.

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

cool blog

 
At 4:39 AM, Blogger Pamplemousse said...

My dear, you do not have to give us anything.

I can see how overwhelmed you are by all the new feelings and emotions this new development has brought to you and D's life. Take time to process and come to terms. You have had a lot of things going on lately so don't be too hard on yourself.

 
At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah the inner voice. I do believe there is more than one and sometimes the snarky bitch shows up. So sorry Donna.

 
At 5:56 PM, Blogger chris said...

I'm sorry. You're going through such a strange time right now. No wise words, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

 

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