48 Hours

Just about 48 hours from now we will be sitting down to dinner with C.

I'm doing a bit better, but it still feels bittersweet. Before, D. and I carried the shared burden of being a childless couple, and our own private agony over why it was so for each of us separately, and us together. Now, the rules have changed. He is a father and a grandfather over there and I'm still over here, childless. I know that isn't the reality of the situation, he's no more C's father in the sense of being his parent than I am his step-mother, but there is a blood bond there that I will never share.

On the flip side of that coin, as long as I've known him, he's been a father, and had the opportunity to go through his partner's pregnancy and watch the birth of his son, and spent the first year watching over him and watching him grow and learn. Ironically, that is why D. was so hesitant to have a baby with me (the fear of going through all that again), and what made it possible for me to even entertain the idea (my fears being calmed by being with someone who had already been through it).

'Tis a tattered web I weave.