Reality Bites

I recently finished having a "deep cleaning" done in my too-small-for-dental-instruments mouth. The technical term is "scaling and root planing", or as I call it "Medieval Torture involving Pointy Things in Your Mouth for Two Hours without Anesthetic".

They want me on a 3-month periodontal maintenance plan. Every 3 months I have to have this done? WTF? She said I have a lot of bleeding in my mouth. Um, bitch, that's because you just scraped and poked at my gums for two hours.

She also said that periodontal disease (disease?? I have a disease now?) is a sign of osteoporosis and I should be taking steps to keep that under control. Yippee. Is this another perimenopausal thing? I've been doing a little research and found out that Clomid (and other fertility drugs) can cause periodontitis, which is the worst kind of gum disease, which I am rapidly moving toward. Great! And, that fertility patients with periodontitis have lower success rates. The classic revolving door.

“The ultimate result of our study is that ‘the drugs used for infertility management may cause and/or worsen gingival problems,'" says Dr. Haytac. "The other statement – poor oral health can negatively affect fertility – is just a suggestion, but it is a very reasonable suggestion. Periodontal diseases are infectious in nature and lead to systemic release of highly pathogenic microorganisms and/or their products.”

I guess that makes sense, if your body is constantly fighting an infection it can’t very well be a comfy place for an embryo, now can it?

This particular dentist (new) is also freaking out about my bottom front tooth because of "bone loss" because of the periodontal disease and says I will need a bone graft so I don't lose the tooth. A BONE GRAFT. Can you say ca-ching? $$$$ Bad teeth are a family trait, this is nothing new, but despite having many different types of procedures done, I am still phobic as hell.

Just thinking about having an upcoming appointment, no matter how far in the future, can send me into a panic. I have two old silver crowns that need to be replaced as well. All of this is going to have to wait until we get back from Hawaii. That’s right folks, we are going on a real vacation. Next month. I’ll keep you posted.

I really need something good to look forward to. Besides being anxious about my teeth (again, or still), I’m depressed. I don't know how to be a person who isn't trying to have a baby. What am I supposed to replace that with that even comes close to being in the same league? The end of my fertility struggle is no less than the end of my quest for immortality.

I'm still having night sweats and endo pain, even on BCPs, although my period has been lighter and on time. I've already wasted six months since our last injectibles cycle failed, and I'm still in the same place, only now add in BCPs just to liven up the party. I feel stuck. I'm scared to get pregnant with my own eggs and would only consider IVF with PGD as a possible safe alternative. But, we have no money and no insurance to do IVF, and its not even on the list of things that we agreed we would try. Adoption is still an alternative but the whole reason both D. and I were willing to go through all this was to have OUR baby. If that makes us selfish, guilty as charged. So I need to just buck up and realize that its never going to happen. But how do I do that??

I can now be around pregnant women and babies and not feel sad or angry, sometimes I even think, "Boy, I'm glad that's not me", I don't know if that's healthy or not. Like Rooshie said, I miss the high of having hope every month, even though I know the disappointment crash at the end of the month will be there. My world is flat and gray. Sorry for being melodramatic, I can't explain it any better than that.