The Real End

Sandy said in her comment that it seemed like I was either very accepting or in shock. A little bit of both, I guess. Denial is almost as powerful as hope. I had conveniently neglected to mention to any of my docs that my mother had a hysterectomy sometime in her mid-30's. Actually I had never really thought about it until now, my mother had so many surgeries and illnesses it was hard to keep track. I was conceived when my sister was 6 months old and my twin brothers were 6 years old. I swear, I was always her least favorite child, the child she never wanted or planned to have and the one who made her life pretty unbearable. I can't really imagine how difficult her situation must have been, but it wasn't my fault. Mom, hear that, I WASN'T THERE the night I was conceived. You can stop blaming me anytime.

Ahem. Sorry about that. Anyway, I wonder now why she just didn't have her tubes tied, since she obviously didn't want any more children, instead of yanking the goods clear outta there. My mother is a very persuasive patient, I've known her to nag doctors into performing procedures (even surgery) just to shut her up. So maybe that was it. Or maybe she had really fucked up reproductive organs and they had to go. I should ask her, but I probably won't. I don't need to know that badly, and it doesn't matter now anyway. I am what I am. Perimenopausal. Without a hyphen, I learned from Dr. Google.

I can't wait for my birthday in a couple of weeks. Not only am I expecting a long-overdue digital camera from Birthday Clause, but it will mean the end of this entirely crappy 40th year. 10 sucked (sexual abuse). 20 sucked (the beginning of my girlie parts rebellion against the rest of my body). 30 sucked (divorce). And now 40's been a big freaking train wreck.

P.S. After 17 days of bleeding, I think I am finally tampon-free. The Provera makes me feel like crap and gives me bad cramps, but its doing its job. Now I can't wait for the next adventure, Really Heavy Period. How much blood can I possibly have left?