Memorial Day Weekend

I had a pretty good weekend. Saturday we took the dogs to a local art and wine festival, which consisted mainly of hand-made jewelry, tie-die and hemp clothing (we live in a former hippie enclave). The dogs were a big hit, lots of love coming at them from the crowd. Two well-behaved, beautiful Golden Retrievers, what's not to love?

Sunday we took the jet skis out on the water for the first time this season. Mine needed a new battery. The guy at the boat supply store said I looked like Elizabeth Hurley. What do you think? Extra points if you don't correctly guess who is who.




The water was a bit cold from snowpack run-off and was running high and fast. The canals were thick with debris, it was like running a slalom course just to stay clear of it. And of course, despite the sunscreen, we both got a little sunburned. Now I at least have a layer of color to work from.

Today we slept in and then spent the afternoon at a good ole-fashioned BBQ. The only thing missing was our child. Every year we go with the same group of people from DH's old job and every year there are more and more kids. Maybe year after next...

Nothing new on the surrogacy front, my friend was away for the weekend and I emailed her to ask her to talk to her husband to see if we were all on the same page. I continue to grapple with myself over my guilt (and quiet glee) at the possibility of not having to endure pregnancy in order to have a baby. I've always seen it as a nine-month sentence that I would have to serve. I'm not sure why, but I've never seen myself pregnant. Not in my dreams, not in my mind's eye, never. Maybe I just never thought it would happen, even though I've spent the last three years of my life trying to achieve it. There'll be lots more posts on this topic. I want to leave this one with this:

After I talked to DH about the surrogacy proposal, I left him to himself for a bit so he could have a chance to mull it over in peace. We haven't talked about it again, but at that initial moment I wanted him to have some space. Later he seemed especially loving, kissing my hand (something he does often), being silly, holding me closer than usual, or at least I thought so. A feeling came over me that seemed unfamiliar. Like my insides were filled with champagne and my head was filled with helium. I realized after a few minutes that what I was feeling was HAPPINESS. I've spent the last 5 years of my life being sad. 1/8th of my life. My entire marriage. All of the 21st century so far. I think it's time for a change.