Ambivalent -- Party of One
I was just wandering around in the mall at lunch. I know I'm struggling when shopping can't make me feel better. I know that going home for a family get-together this weekend is weighing heavily on me. I don't regret making the decision to go, that's not it. To be honest, I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I'm sad that I'm not more sad about my brother's death. I'm sad that I'm not looking forward to seeing my Mom. I'm sad that it will be Mother's Day and I feel I don't have anything to celebrate.
I'm sad that I feel so ambivalent about continuing to TTC on our own, now that we've gone as far as we were willing to go with medical assistance. I like my life the way it is. I just took over the room that was going to be the nursery for my new dressing room. Yet my eyes still fill with tears when I realize I'll never know what a perfect mixture of me and DH would look like.
My surviving brother just became a grandfather for the first time yesterday. His wife's daughter gave birth to a healthy baby boy. There was a time when he wanted children of his own, but for a variety of reasons that never happened, and now he is perfectly happy to forego fatherhood and skip ahead to grand-fatherhood. He's only 7 years older than me, and only 2 years older than DH. I guess I really did wait too long to get the baby bug.
posted by Donna @ 2:18 PM
10 Comments:
Thinking about you as you approach this tough weekend.
Hey Donna...Please don't beat yourself up over not being sad over your brother. You mourned the loss of that brother years ago, in other ways, I'm sure.
I can understand your trepidation about this weekend, but I hope it goes better than you imagine.
As far as TTC...
Sigh. Not a day goes by where I also don't think of this and wonder how i ended up having missed this opportunity. I really didn't think that I would run out of time, but I did. I've always thought that I wanted to live my life with no regrets, but the truth is...I DO have regrets about bad choices I've made. I beat myself up over this. I too have a life that I am basically quite happy with, but I often get sad when I think too much about what will never be.
Hey. We should get a group together who are in the same situation. If you and I are out there, there must be many more.
Donna! Please don't be too hard on yourself for not being sad enough over your brother's death. I'm sure that you mourned the loss of this brother in other ways many years ago.
I can understand your trepidation about this weekend...I truly hope it is better than you anticipate.
As for TTC...I hear ya, sister. Not a day goes by that I don't live with certain regrets and feel sad for the loss of future I'd like to have with Greg. But we'll talk about this another time. Maybe we can start a group or something for people who truly are in the same situation. Not only infertile, but done trying.
I hope the weekend goes well for you, I'll be thinking about you!
oops! I thought my previous comment didn't get posted! PLease choose to ignore one or the other!
Donna - I'm sorry about your day. There's not much more difficult than feeling... well, just not RIGHT about everything. And sad. And not sure what to do next. Take your time figuring out how you feel about things - you've been through so very much so recently - you need time for you and Devin. Hope the weekend goes well. -Kym
{{{{{Donna}}}}} I've been thinking of you and wondered how you've been doing. I have been without a computer this past week so I haven't been able to keep up. You are in my thoughts.
I am so sorry about the stress you've been under. It's too much to have weighing on anyone. I hope your weekend turns out better than expected. Mostly, I hope you feel better soon.
I'm so with you on the ambivalence part. First off, shopping in a mall - I've got mixed feelings about that since I miscarried last Saturday in a shopping mall. I don't think I'll look at malls the same again.
On TTC, I've decided - calmly, peaceably - that if I cannot conceive on my/our own, then we will adopt. But if we are going to adopt, we'll probably wait a few years or start the process in anticipation of waiting a few years. I'm so not into IVF or injecting myself or being injected with anything involving needles. I can barely handle acupuncture but grin and bear it because it has helped me.
Whatever you decide to do, follow your heart. Take care.
thinking of you this weekend...
Thinking about you, and hoping all is going well
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