Turning Blue

In addition to feeling like I am watching a movie of my life instead of living it, and playing Jekyll and Hyde constantly (moving from positive to negative), I also feel like I am holding my breath. I know a lot of us feel like their lives are on hold while we are TTC, its worse this month because I've got it stuck in my head that this is THE LAST ONE. The last medicated cycle = our last decent chance of success. A part of me knows that it could theoretically happen in the future, we aren't going to do anything to prevent conception and I still ovulate at least some of the time, but with my high FSH levels and my age rocketing forward, the chances are pretty slim. In about a week we will know for sure. Until then I'm having trouble making a decision about anything.

We are trying to set up a trip to Vegas next month. The weekend we want to go is the weekend after a NASCAR race, so everything is booked. I've been sending emails to owners of timeshares and condos, but nobody has answered me yet. We still need to book the flights too. But I can't.

Then there's the proposed trip to Hawaii next fall or winter. I've found a couple of great B&Bs and did a bit of research on flights, but despite my best efforts, I just can't get into the planning. I'm too busy standing on the edge of a precipice and holding my breath.

I can't even finish the room upstairs we've been working on for months. Is it going to be a nursery? Or just my dresssing room? Ugh.

On another topic, hubby and I had a nice Valentine's Day, we celebrated yesterday since we were together the whole day. He brought me some beautiful flowers and we went out to a wonderful restaurant for dinner. He really is a special man. I don't know what I would do without him.

I'm sorry my blog hasn't been funny or even very entertaining lately. I don't do well on meds, and this month I had ONE DAY where I didn't take something, starting on CD3. I went from Clomid to Gonal-F to an HcG shot to Prometrium. Bear with me while I finish off this ride.