What-If 101

A number of people in my life are playing the What-If game right now. We're all pretty good at it, next year I'm thinking of hosting the World Amateur Series of What-If here in Santa Cruz. I'm gonna go way back and just get this off my chest so I can stop writing this blog entry in my head at night.

WHAT IF?

**I hadn't been sexually abused, starting possibly as young as 3?

**I didn't take any of those drugs I took as a pre-teen?

**I hadn't trained 20 hours a week in gymnastics, then even more hours a week in dance and color guard, keeping me astonishingly thin?

** I hadn't smoked on and off throughout my teens and 20s?

**I hadn't contracted almost every STD known to woman?

**I didn't have two seizures after starting BCPs, get put on anti-seizure medication, making the BCP fail, get pregnant, not know it, then have an abortion at 16 weeks?

**I had said no to the Christmas Eve marriage proposal from my ex?

**I hadn't contracted herpes from said ex?

**I didn't have a lap and two subsequent laser out-patient procedures to combat endo?

**I had had the courage and strength to leave my ex before spending 5 years in hell?

**I hadn't wasted my fertile years in a bad marriage?

**I hadn't been so scared of getting married again?

**I had brought up the idea of starting a family before I got over being scared of getting married again and asked hubby #2 to marry me?

**I didn't have to wait for 2 years for hubby to be ready to even begin TTC?

**I didn't waste a whole year TTC on my own at age 38 because my doctor was either 1) in the pocket of the insurance company or 2) a wheat-germ eating, birkenstock-wearing, hippy-dippy beach soul-sister who believed we should wait and give nature a chance?

**I didn't have a mini-nervous breakdown and start taking anti-depressants?

**I hadn't waited for 2 years before asking for another lap, only to find my right tube was twisted and attached to itself by adhesions?

**I hadn't spent the last 3 years forcing my ovaries to do what they obviously did not want to do?

**I hadn't spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on unsuccessful fertility treatments?

The answer to all of these questions is quite simple. I wouldn't be sitting here, right now, pouring my heart out to you. There is no cosmic force at work, there are no lessons to be learned. Life is a continuum. A house of cards. Removing one card either causes the whole thing to crash to the floor or changes the floor plan. Since I can't go back and find my Ace of Spades or Queen of Hearts, all I can do is pick up the next card. (And you wondered where the poker analogy would come into play.)

One thing I know for sure: whatever happens, I WILL get through it. Because I have no choice. And because I have a better support system now than I ever have before. Thanks, you know who you are.