Media Outlet

One of my many infertile friends was bemoaning the constant bombardment of family and child-oriented media messages at lunch recently. Sufferers of other afflictions, diseases or circumstances don't have to contend with being constantly reminded of their heartache like those of us who are childless do. Everything from commercials (often for products not related to children at all) to news stories to sitcoms, you can't go for one day without being reminded that the family is all important, that children are our future and that some amazing percentage of our tax dollars go towards the school system.

I realize that I am hyper-sensitive to these messages right now; I struggle to get through each day without breaking down in tears or becoming angry at myself. I think about being old and having no one to take care of me, of all the things I'm going to miss out on by not being a parent. And while I don't define my worth as a woman by my ability to bear children, I have defined myself in large part for the past three years as a Woman Trying To Conceive. It was the goal, the path, the focus, the forefront of all my thoughts and actions.

Even though we are not doing anything to prevent conception, I feel in my heart that it is just not in the cards for me. I know its going to take some time to get out from under this cloud, but at the moment I feel so aimless. My husband practices Aikido, one of the Japanese martial arts. He is lucky to have the support system that his dojo provides, as well as the unattainable goal of mastering the art; there will always be something more to learn, always another level of achievement up ahead. I'm hopeful at some point I will find (or go back to) something that brings me joy and helps to fill the hole in my heart.