Last Train to Clarksville

Yesterday's U/S went well, no cysts, although I'm wondering how he was able to get in and out of the room in under 30 seconds flat...$160 please. Stopped on the way home to get the Clomid Rx filled, and par for the course, its no longer covered. $70 for 10 pills. But, I'm not going to waste energy on the money issues. This is the last time we're doing this, I need to put my energies elsewhere.

We got an email this morning announcing the early arrival of a friend's baby. I'm happy for them, they are a great couple, I even sent a way cool baby/mother gift, but I feel so detached. Numbness has become my friend. That'll come in handy starting Friday when the Gonal-F shots begin anew.

Its interesting to me that I only sound this cynical on-line. To the real world I live in, I remain hopeful and willing to do what it takes, despite the hardships. Inside, I'm planning child-free vacations. A true Gemini, I am.

Travel & Leisure

As I await the onset of the Blood of Broken Hearts (hereinafter referred to as BOB H.) and all that entails, including the start of the last injectibles cycle and with it my last decent chance of having a child...I've been thinking about what else I can do with my life.

Travel for me has always been a double-edged sword. I love visiting places I've only read about, seeing different cultures first-hand and bringing back treasures.

But --
1) I HATE flying.
2) I have a weak stomach and often can't eat local cuisine without paying for it later.
3) I get sea-sick.

That's a start. But I digress. I'm compiling my own list of places I want to see before I die. I was reading the latest issue of Travel & Leisure at the hairdresser's the other day, it contained their annual Best Hotels in the World List. I noticed that in almost every country, one of the top hotels was a Ritz-Carlton, not surprisingly. Here's a list of all of their hotels world-wide. A worthy list for sure. I've been to exactly one, in Half Moon Bay, California, near my home. Its a start.

One trip I've always wanted to do is the Orient Express, a train trip through Europe sounds heavenly -- no airports! The same company runs PeruRail, another place I would love to visit. Finally, an African safari in the 1920s style of luxury sounds amazing. I have a lot to do with the rest of my life. Its a shame I can't share it with a child.

Frustrated & Disappointed

Don't you hate it when you encounter a situation where there really is nothing you can do to change it? No, I'm not talking about infertility. I've been overlooked for two positions lately because I don't have a college degree. I have 15 years' experience, a national certification in my field and have worked for some high-profile companies (even for Silicon Valley), but without that piece of paper from 20 years ago, I can't even be considered. I guess it was bound to happen eventually. I've skated my whole life on my talents and hard work, and up until now the lack of college hasn't held me back, at least not in any way that was obvious.

Yes, I could go back to school now and get a degree. But, to get a BA it would take me 6 or 7 years of night-school, then I would be in my late 40s with a piece of paper. I don't have the money, time or inclination to even consider this. I know there will be other opportunities where this is not an issue, but that doesn't make my current situation any less frustrating or disappointing.

On another topic, I'm a little concerned about my apparent addiction to TV. Every single night of the week there is at least one show on that I feel like I cannot miss.

Monday: 24, followed by Medium

Tuesday: Amazing Race VI, and when that ends, American Idol, then Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (must be something about Tuesdays and reality!)

Wednesday: Lost, then Alias (my favorite show of all), then CSI:NY

Thursday: Will & Grace, then Without A Trace

Friday: Medical Investigation

Saturday: MI-5

Sunday: Desperate Housewives, then Crossing Jordan

I used to watch West Wing on Wednesday nights but that's on at the same time as Alias, and that wins hands down. I suppose watching this much TV keeps me off the streets and means I'm not out spending money, but really, is this normal?

Wait, don't answer that.

I'll Add it to the List

There are so many things about infertility that are difficult, heart-breaking, disappointing and frustrating, but today I want to talk about a specific, at least for me.

Our best friends have a 3 1/2 year-old son, who was conceived after 4 rounds of IVF with ICSI. On the last (successful) attempt, they had just the one egg make it through fertilization and re-implantation. He's a miracle baby, perfect in every way. I love him dearly, and he loves me, he's told me so many times.

Yesterday we spent the day with them. By the end of the day I was so sad...not because of anything that happened, but just because I had this overwhelming feeling that I would never know the joy of being a mother. Every time I felt his little hand in mine or watched my husband tickle him and laugh along him, my heart ached. I don't feel jealousy at their success, just sad for my own lack thereof.

A Few Words

I'd like to write a few words about herpes. Its not something that I generally talk about, for some reason its remained a shameful secret even though millions upon millions of Americans (and millions more world-wide) have this incurable virus. That's all it is, a virus. Something like 1 in 5 Americans have either type I or type II. That means that someone reading this has it. Not that I expect anyone to 'fess up or anything, but its still confounding to me that its something you just don't mention -- to anyone. Ever.

I know when I have an outbreak, which are, thankfully, fairly infrequent, I feel bad. Physically it zaps your energy because your body is fighting it, like if you had the flu. Emotionally, I feel bad because it means I can't be intimate with my husband, and it angers me when it flares up at the least opportune time, like now, for instance, when I'm getting ready to ovulate. It also reminds me of my ex, which always makes me angry. So its a big party all around.

For me, outbreaks are usually caused by stress. I think its safe to say that I've had a stressful week. Funny thing is, outbreaks can be caused by any number of things, including having your period, having sex, or even (worst of all), eating chocolate. Chocolate has a lot of arginine in it, which is the amino acid that the virus uses to replicate itself. So, I don't eat chocolate. I also can't take Fertility Blend, which has arginine in it. When I get an outbreak I take lysine, which is the opposite amino acid, and helps to starve the virus. Interesting stuff, eh?

I was also thinking this morning about the word infertility. I started to think, shouldn't it be UNfertility? But then, no, if you think about all the other words where if you put IN in front of it, it becomes something bad, it makes sense.

IN competent
IN complete
IN adequate
IN conceivable

That about sums it up, don't you think?

2005 is here -- Big Deal

A long, long time ago in a land far, far away (Canada) I used to wish upon stars and think that things I wished for at "special" moments, like the ringing in of a New Year, were bound to come true. Now I know its all Hallmark bullshit.

In addition to the holiday hospital stay, the last week of the year included frustrating shopping/parking karma, torrential rain and hailstorms, a huge pimple on my chin and a couple of power outages thrown in just for fun.

Last night we were going to celebrate by doing what the TTC community annoyingly refers to as "baby dancing", but alas, that was not to be, thanks in large part to my old friend herpes simplex II, a nice parting gift from my crap-fest of a first marriage. In all the years we've been together I've somehow managed to keep from passing on this nasty little scourge to my current (and much better) husband, so now I have to cross my fingers and hope that I will be through with this latest outbreak before I ovulate. Oh, how I love being me.

And, once again, Happy Fucking New Year.